It’s been ages since I last blogged. Somehow, it seems like I don’t know how to blog anymore. Lots of things have kept me busy, mid-terms, assignments, preparation for tri-varsity (although it’s not really in full strength yet).

But things have not been going well for me, which is why I think I need to take time to rest and reflect about my life, where I’m heading to and where His direction is leading me to.

I was reading Father David’s blog, and his latest entry was regarding the homily of two Sundays ago. It was about loneliness. I never felt that I was lonely. I always had the company of friends, be it from Fides or from Church, but somehow I was never lonely. Even when I was alone, I didn’t get the feeling of loneliness because I always had technology around me, like my mobile phone which allows me to text my friend or my laptop which allows me to IM my friend. I was never lonely.

But somehow after reading Father’s entry, it made me wonder. Am I lonely? Does my joy come from my friends around me, or does my joy come from the Heavenly Father? Marie used to say, we should not be looking for happiness, instead we should be looking for joy. We should be looking for pure joy, which only God can give.

Quoting from Father’s entry: “We should ask ourselves if our joy comes from the assurance of being with God, or from being with people who like us? Does our happiness come from the little comforts of our life or from God alone? There is only one way to know. Testing it. Give up company, give up the little pleasures and see where your happiness goes?”

I ask myself if I am willing to give up company during this Lent. Somehow, the answer I always get is no. I guess I know why.

Because deep down inside of me, I know the joy I am feeling now is the joy I am getting from the people around me or the things that happen around me, not the joy that comes from God alone.

I have to get out of this pathetic state of mind(mine). I HAVE TO.