I have been doing a lot of thinking lately, about where I want to go in my life, what I want to do in my life and what God wants me to do in my life. While I don’t have the answer yet to the last part of the statement above, I think I roughly know which direction I want to take now.

When I look back at the teenage times in my life (not that now I am not a teenager), I realise that so many times I have tried to change myself, or fit myself into a group where I become the person they want me to be, or the person I should be so that I will complement the group dynamics. But how many times have I really been who I want to be? And I would have to say that in the past, I don’t have the courage to stand up to my fears, my unrealised dreams and aspirations.

Right now though, I think I have come to a point in time where I just want to carefree. I don’t want to have too many worries, which may make me feel inadequate. I want to be able to go on exchange when I want to. I want to say things and do things which show who I really am, without thinking whether this will or will cause people to forms judgement about the community. I want to be able to take time off to whirl off into a world of my own if I want to. All in all, I just want to be me.

And I guess I am saying all these through the thought process of serving another term in the core team of Fides. For once, I am going to be selfish. I am only going to care for myself. I don’t want to care about how much I can give to the community, because I believe that there are others who can do it to. I don’t want to care about being a supporter to whoever is in charge, because I am very vulnerable and in need of support too. And I am also sure there are other supporters available.

The Cost of Following Jesus
As they were walking along the road, a man said to him, "I will follow you wherever you go." Jesus replied, "Foxes have holes and birds of the air have nests, but the Son of Man has no place to lay his head." He said to another man, "Follow me." But the man replied, "Lord, first let me go and bury my father." Jesus said to him, "Let the dead bury their own dead, but you go and proclaim the kingdom of God."Still another said, "I will follow you, Lord; but first let me go back and say good-by to my family."Jesus replied, "No one who puts his hand to the plow and looks back is fit for service in the kingdom of God."

If I am not able to give up all these things to be a leader in Fides, then maybe I should not. I know I don’t want to take up the cross not because I am not ready, but maybe because I am not ready to give up everything of me for others.